The first sentence — is always the hardest.
True: Sometimes, it flies out of her, like a butterfly trapped in between the two tiny palms of a kiddo who hasn’t lived for long enough to realize the fragility of her dreams, yet.
“You can’t do that to butterflies, little one! They break their wings.”
But other times, she must cradle the cocoons of her beginnings, checking up on them, every few breaths: Are they ready for the magical reveal of their births yet? Can they leap out at the world that didn’t even suspect how much it needed them? On harder days of creation, the luxury of time begins to test her patience, and it challenges her — to start. To just: Start.
Because starting — takes a courageous flight of fancy. And only she knows — because she has asked for her creator to allow and to forgive her the hubris to make things happen — only she knows when her beginnings can no longer wait to happen.
The days, the moments, the creations that begin easily — are often easier to also take for granted. And they can’t really be trusted, actually. But the easy creations lighten the step and color the world with more flattering palettes of her imagination. And even though, she may not remember the achievement of that day, she gets the privilege of spending it — while half dreaming: Still the little girl, chasing butterflies, and trapping them in between her tiny palms.
Gratitude comes easy on those days of nearly no struggle. And she breathes through the misty sensation in her eyes: After all, her compassion has not expired yet! And despite all the losses, it continues to give back.
On luckier days, life permits for such illusions to last: That people are good. That art — matters. That beauty — is a common addiction of all humankind. And that perhaps (please, please, let her have this “perhaps”!) we all speak a common language which may be determined by our self-serving needs — but that those needs belong to LOVE. Alas! How marvelous — are those days!
And she learns to savor them! The days of easier creation — of more graceful survival, when the whole world somehow happens to accommodate for her dreams — those days she must savor for the future. Because in that future, as she has grown to accept (once she’s grown up and out of certain dreams), there will be days of hardship. She knows that. No, not just the hardships of life itself: Those, she has by now learned to forgive. After all, they have taught her her own humanity. They have connected all the capillaries between the organs of her empathy and inspirations. And she understands it all so much better — after the days of hard life.
But the hardships of persevering through life for long enough to get to the next easier moment — that task can only be done by eluding herself. So, she suspends the memories of better days. Easier days of creation. She stretches them out, makes them last. (They taste like soft caramel or bits of saltwater taffy.) She rides them out to exhaustion and prays — oh, how she prays! — that they will bring her to the next beginning.
Then, there are days, seemingly mellow, but that do not grant her easy beginnings. On those days, she must work. She must earn the first sentences to her dreams and earn her beginnings. She may go looking for inspiration, in other people’s art. And sometimes, that works just fine: Like a match to a dry wick, other art sets her imagination on fire. All it takes is a glimpse of a tail of that one fleeting dream. It takes a mere crumb of someone else’s creation to set off the memory and the inspiration — follows. Just a whisper of that common language! A whiff of the unproved metaphysical science that it’s all one. We — are one. (Is that silly?)
And when the art of others does not start another flame, then she must have the courage to begin. Just simply — begin! It’s mechanical, then: a memorized choreography of fingers upon the keyboard, the sense memory of the tired fingers clutching a pen. On those days, she merely shows up — and she must accept that it would be enough, on just those days.
Because if she doesn’t show up, then she may as well consider herself defeated: Yes, by the struggles of life and the skepticism of those who do NOT have the courage to dream. To start. To begin.
The courage to remain the children they once were, also chasing butterflies and ice-cream men; sucking on icicles in the winter and building castles under the watch of the giant eye of the sun.
The day when she stops beginning — she will consider herself a failure. But until then, she must continue to begin.