“Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone.
It’s not warm when he’s away…”
Fuck. THAT. Shit.
First of all, it’s the bloody desert out there today! Look at it. The sun has swept off the last of yesterday’s clouds to return the sky to that dreamy blue I had seen only on this coast; and give it a couple of hours, I’ll be basking in it, naked. (Ah, but I ain’t telling you where: It’s my secret spot.)Secondly, since his departure, my own comrades and beloved hearts — and all of my small world’s children — have swooped in, dusted me off (for I have not only bit the dust in this fall — I fuckin’ made a meal of it!) and have been taking turns serving me cups of hot tea to melt away my midnight shivers.
“You’re a’right,” they tell me. They always tell me, never ask. Not that they’re ever surprised by my strength or resilience; or my refusal to lead an ordinary life.
“It’s not becoming — for a woman like you!” one of my comrades commented on my tears the other day, in his laconic, Tony Soprano-esque way. (SHIT. Can’t an Amazon get a break?! Nyet, apparently.)
“Always an inspiration,” uttered my East Coast angel before departing from me after this weekend’s visit. She herself is far from shabby when it comes to the quality of her sought life; and soon enough, she’ll return that inspiration with a single postcard from some exotic coast with gorgeous brown people and white sand. Not too shabby.
In my blunt Russian-ness, I must admit: I am not really the pining type. Nyet, I definitely don’t pine much. So, okay, I’ll mourn the loss of a love while rummaging through my bookshelves for like-minded words. I may even dwell in nostalgia a bit. But even that — is more of a Russian thing: I’m just another Olga, wanting to get to Moscow. (Chekhov, comrades! Check that Chekhov: He knew a thing or two about humanity.)
Perhaps, being an only child had something to do with it: for as long as the memory of my young self spans, I was always perfectly self-sufficient and often in preference for my solitude. Considering my parents’ occupations (father was an officer, mother — a social butterfly), they left me to my own devices quite often and willingly. And if ever one of them wanted to go parental on my ass and demonstrate how to do something, in response, they got my very assertive:
According to motha, it was the first word I learned, and obviously — it was my favorite. Yep: While other infants were taking the easier, more natural to their tongues routes and learning to call out for their parents, I was already self-asserting. To make this tale of V’s childhood even more poignant, I spoke of “MYSELF” in its masculine conjugation. (Unlike in the English language, in Russian one must conjugate every word in a sentence; which makes our tongue quite difficult to navigate. Try navigating Moscow, for Lenin’s sake: Nothing we do is easy!)
When it came to my early life romances, I was a late bloomer. Always a bookworm, in all honesty, I found the characters in my novels much more interesting than boys. Between that and the adventures promised to me at the time by the Communist Party, the world appeared to be more tempting of an adventure than another single human being. Here, I wonder if my men ever even had a chance, considering they had to compete with the entire planet. But when my first Russian boyfriend announced he was interested “in seeing other people”, a month later, I won a full scholarship for my pre-collegiate studies in the United States. He had other people to see — I had other places to be. (I hear he lives in a hamlet now, married to a milkmaid and working for the “collective farm”. Mazel tov, darlin’.)
In the history of my womanhood, I’ve treated every break-up as an opportunity to grow. It’s kind of the way it flows in Motha Nature, don’t you think, my comrades? When something old expires, it makes room for something — or someone — new. And the more I live — the more losses I suffer — the quicker that interchange happens.
It’s as if I’ve become more connected to my own intuition; and I’m able to hear the voices off all other opportunities the world has to offer, no matter how loud the moaning of my ego and heart may be. So, during this currently happening ache, there is a somewhat habitual thrill about everything new — everything yet unknown and unforeseen, yet somehow anticipated. I may not know what this new shift is going to bring, but I suspect: It’s going to be magnificent.
Because it has been, my beloveds, all along; every time until now. Every departed lover was replaced by someone wonderful and better suitable for me. Every old occupation gave room to sometimes humbling opportunities. And the only part that I am obliged to play at this time of loss is to respectfully behold for my departed beloved — to wish him well, for the sake of my own grace — then, to grant MYSELF the time and space to heal; because give it half a phase — and that space will be flooded with the world.
And to quote my favorite sister Olga:
“Oh, dear sisters, our life is not ended yet. We shall live! The music is so happy, so joyful, and it seems as though in a little while we shall know what we are living for, why we are suffering.”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some naked basking to do.
Love yous. All of yous. (And who said I couldn’t conjugate English pronouns? I just did! MYSELF.)